Grief
by Poshu
Summary: When JJ takes the fate of the world into his own hands, Drake is left to pick up the pieces, can he save his lover from his choices and their fatal repercussions?DrakexJJ FAKEFFX crossover Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

"Baby…. Please…"

JJ was silent as Drake poured his heart out, apparently not giving a damn if he broke or not. Inwardly however he was screaming; screaming for this all to be over, for his responsibility to the world to be over, for Drake's pain to disappear and everything to go back to the way it was. The darkness spread out over the room, the tiny amount of moonlight crafting mysterious shadows and darkening JJ's face, hiding the expression caused by his inner turmoil.

"Better off…," he thought as he became more and more aware of the darkness swirling around him. "If he realizes……it's all… over…"

Drake paused when he saw JJ lower his head sullenly. He took deep breaths and Drake could barley make out his hands gripping the edge of the satin on the bench. The moonlight made it hard to depict, but JJ's discomfort was palpable, and Drake was _especially_ keen to it.

"You're questioning it too," Drake laid it out more as a statement than a question "the whole Pilgrimage thing…" his chocolate eyes barely caught JJ's slight nod. The dusty bluish hair covered his eyes and made it impossible to read his true expression. He was trying to mask himself, which he was rather adept at. Drake knew from sheer experience that there could be tears, fury, cheer,…anything, under those bangs. He took the few quick steps over to where JJ was perched, kneeling down between his knees. He looked up at his face, still covered in shadow from the angle JJ was holding it at. "Don't hide from me." Drake said. With a hesitant shiver JJ leaned back, turning his head farther into the shadow. The light from the adjacent room highlighting his hair and casting a harsher darkness over JJ's features. "Don't _hide_ from me!" Drake hissed, his eyes becoming intense. JJ remained still.

"Give it up!" Drake pleaded "Baby, you gotta give it up! This is useless!"

"It is _not_ useless!" JJ snapped, his head turning to Drake's direction. The tear bordered eyes showing. "You know as well as I do the importance of this!"

Drake didn't falter "And it's okay to hide your face and cry while the rest of civilization moves on and forgets you? It's okay for you to just throw your life into the pit for three or four years of peace just for another monster to come back? You'll die in vain JJ! Please…"

JJ wiped a stray tear away. "Why didn't you tell me this earlier? Like when we started this, if that's how you feel?" he tried to sound strong, but he knew the truth. The closer they got to Zanarkand… the deeper the truth sank in. What started as floating thoughts had grown into looming mental strife. Even earlier, in the sunlight, he himself had contemplated the worth of this journey… he caught himself staring blankly at Mt. Gagazet. Turning to glance out the window at the snowy peak again he asked the same question as before, would he really never come back from over that mountain? Would he be satisfied with that?

"I… I can't do it JJ. I can't," JJ glanced back at Drake. "I can't just stand there and watch you die. I _can't!_ I won't do it!" Drake was crying, laying his head against JJ's knee. JJ reflexively brushed his finger's through Drake's hair, cooing softly to sooth him. Drake's body was shaking slightly from the repressed sobs. JJ glowered inwardly at himself for what he was causing. But could he really leave Spira…. To Sin? Even when he knew he had the power to take Spira's pain away?

Normally this was an easy… even a 'duh' answer. Drake. Drake always, nothing came before him. But now… an entire world-full of people stood in the way…

"Drake," JJ thumbed the blonde's ear lightly, he looked up slowly, through red-tinted eyes "You know… that if _I_ don't do this… no one else will…" Drake stilled, paused. Then slowly sank back down to his lover's knee where tears were shed once more, silently this time. A dismal and hopelessly lost feeling was emanating from him. JJ continued. "Drake…. Drake?….(sigh) I can send people from dawn till dusk for the rest of my days… but what would be the point? More people will be killed by Sin everyday. People will still continue to live on fear, towns can never grow to more than 1,000 people or Sin comes… Drake… wouldn't it be better for the world if I just used what is left of my power to destroy the cause instead of the symptoms?" He could feel Drake shake his head, he could feel Drake's eyes on him… he could feel Drake's pain. He sighed gently as he rocked his love in his arms…what could be expected of Drake now? How can you hold yourself together when the world around you is crumbling apart?

"Please say you won't go… _please_ say you won't _go_." Drake begged. He reached up and tugged harshly on JJ's shirt, pulling him down in a heap in his lap. Immediately latching his arms around him he squeezed tightly. He kissed him on the cheek, then began a wild rush over his lips, somewhat like a 'forgive me kiss' Drake was giving him 'don't leave me' kisses. Empty and hollow as they were, no love inside them, only loneliness and pleading. The act itself almost brought him to tears, only solidifying the guilt and the pain he was causing… but he couldn't just abandon the people of Spira… could he? The thought was… tempting…Drake's words were….tempting…his voice, his hands, his lips… all of it. How could he say good-bye to that? How could he even try?

Tears began to well up in his own eyes again as he gave that future a thought. Drake, cold and alone… and he….lost on the Farplane somewhere… left only as a wisp of a memory for Drake to see… never touch… never hear. Tears made their presence known and he was aware of the sorrow burning inside him. He couldn't…. do this…could he?………….He had to.

"Drake I…" JJ trailed off as quickly as he started. Drake sat up, staring intently. "….I can't do this……but…….I can't just abandon this either! I……..please… try to understand…" Drake nodded, holding him tighter and releasing a pent-up sigh.

"Just… think about what your doing…"

"I am thinking! There's too much to think about!"

"What is there to think about? There are other summoners out there, dozens. I've seen them, _you've_ seen them. Why don't we just quit this and go?" JJ leaned his head against Drake's shoulder as he thought.

"But… none of them are… none of them can do it…"

"Like you can… I know babe… I know, I've seen it too often."

The two continued to hold each other in an understanding silence, soon the moonlight began to dim and fade out, and the nightly routine of the Hymn of the Fayth could be heard, ringing through the halls or the Macalania Temple and out over the plains of the Calm Lands. Soft and barely heard over the cliffs, but soothing and ever-mesmerizing all the same.

"Oh…." JJ perked up at the sound, reminded and guilted by his pending responsibility to the world. Drake placed warm hands to his shoulders, shaking him slightly.

"Forget that song baby! _Forget that song!_" Tears were streaming down his cheeks again. "Just…-" JJ put two fingers to his lips.

"Gagazet. Give me until Gagazet…..Drakey" He ended the bargain with an attempted smile. Drake buried his face in JJ's chest.

"Don't use pet names unless you mean to stick around…"

"I won't let you down Drake…" JJ kissed the top of his head and began to rock him again.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

The sad sorry mountainscape was cooing as the wind blew treacherously through it's open rock veins. The haggard pathways smoothed over with ice and snow were misleading and tricky to maneuver. JJ and the others were slipping and tripping as ice caved in under them. Mt. Gagazet was a sort of third world. No one lived here… who could? Not even the mighty Ronso tribe dared to trek up to the peak, the sheer wind power could knock you off the mountain. It howled and roared as it tore through the hollow rocky crag that was the semi-worn pathway to Zanarkand.

JJ huddled against the side of the cliff-like path, for balance and so as to not fall off. Glancing over the edge again he saw the soft gray fog looming below. From the color of it he knew it was deep, thick fog and that if he slipped it would be several minutes before he could feel the cold release of death. "Can I really…do this?" he inwardly moaned as he shuddered, the next gale of wind driving him tighter against the rock wall. He could barely feel it's rough surface with numbed fingers. Looking around him he saw his friends, his guardians, all fighting the same as he was. Yet they were not the focus of all attention, they were not the virtual treasure of this lamented atmosphere. He was.

"I have to…" he continued as he thrust himself forward, forcing himself to tread into the steady steep incline before them.

"It's like a maze." Dee blew his breath out in a heavy white puff as he half-sighed.

"We just have to keep going." Ryo contended after him "As long as we stay here we _are_ as good as dead"

The group looked in unison at the towering heights of the mountain around them. Their goal, their checkpoint lay up there, from there it was all downhill, figuratively and literally. So many summoners before them had accomplished this… so why was it intimidating? Was the cold…….no… nor was it the wind. It was impossible to climb that high.

Ted heaved a heavy sigh as he shifted his feet so as not to freeze to the spot. "Well, just one step at a time then?" JJ lowered his head in a sort of quasi-despair, yet he nodded his head gently.

"Yeah… yeah, just….." He trailed off, 'one step at a time' he told himself as he thrust a foot out of the solidifying snow around his ankles and placed it carefully in front of him, testing the ground for ice before he put his weight on it. Pressing his feet into the snow he and the others began a slow and steady journey up the peak. More energy being consumed with every step, JJ felt his knees giving in and his muscles tensing. Had they really only been here a few hours? It felt like….days…

JJ flinched as he felt an arm curl around him, pushing him gently forward. Turning over his shoulder he saw blonde hair and brown eyes. Drake's hair was laced with frost and the cold showed through his eyes. JJ only realized he had stopped when Drake gave him another push forward. Slowly he turned forward again and began to climb. Drake's hands were warming his back, he could feel slightly warm spots on his shoulder blades. As they continued he felt Drake lean forward, latching tight fingers around his shoulders, he perched his head on JJ's shoulder, barely nuzzling his cheek. He felt Drake's arms move from his shoulders to his waist, securing him as they crossed a narrow pathway upward to the next snowy ledge. JJ could feel the sorrow coming from Drake as he cuddled him. Telegraphing that he didn't know whether to say good-bye or not. JJ started to well up, feeling the tears around his eyes freeze instantly. Hastily rubbing them away he stepped faster up the hill, walking his sudden emotions off. The cold wind greeted the group again in a mind blast of both force and glacial temperature. JJ cringed as his skin throbbed and went numb, ducking his head under his raised arm for the moment. The ice and snow blistered against his hardened skin and made him feel raw, when it stopped and he could see again, he looked around at the nearby ledges, mapping out their course. They had to move quickly. To be on the slopes when the wind hit again would be detrimental…

"Hey… what's this heap?" Ted asked loudly as he prodded at a dark pile of…something, looking to be supplies buried in the snow and frozen over in ice. They must have been there for a long time judging by both the ice and the antiquity of them. Stepping closer, JJ attempted to examine it but Ryo put out an arm, stopping him in his place.

"Don't go near it." The chestnut haired man wavered.

"What is it? Ted repeated

"It's a summoner's gear." JJ answered with a low tone. "they must have died here." the party became quiet, having a moment of both silence and fear. That could so easily be them, and who would want to die in such a miserable place? To be turned grey and stony by the wind and left as statuary for the coming of new hope. These were long late observers of his own journey and JJ could only feel he had to honor and respect them. He gave a small bow with his head as Ted spouted another question.

"Where….,"he hesitated "Where are their bodies…?" the group remained silent again for a moment.

"Fiends." Drake answered coolly. Yes… there were no summoners to send a summoner JJ thought with chagrin. One had to accept death early on to avoid becoming a fiend. A monster so hungered and starved for the life that was taken from them that they hunt and prey on the living. A creature of hatred and sin, yet once a body full of hope and drive. Revered and loved by the people of Spira… now hated and feared by them. JJ inwardly wept at the pain they must feel wherever they were… To think they had come so far… only to……

Crackling could be heard as Dee moved for the next slope. "I hate this place." he muttered under his breath as he brushed by, beginning up the slope, quickly and with ease.

"We should go." Ryo said as he followed quickly after Dee. Ted following reluctantly after, JJ stood at the base of the next slope, staring down at the snow, imagining his footprints there later… completely ignored and forgotten by all of mankind, his efforts to condone the evil present will be revered and his name will be glorified. But he, JJ Adams… will be lost forever, quickly forgotten by all of Spira. Could he really……accept that? To die for…..no…that was wrong to think. He inwardly scolded himself as Drake gave him a reassuring nudge to continue on before the winds returned. He was not in this for money or valor, he did not choose to become a summoner to be recognized or enthroned. He did it to solve a problem he knew he could solve and to put smiles back on everybody's faces… But… there would be one face he'd be taking a smile away from…

JJ looked over his shoulder at Drake, stepping up onto the slope, eyes downcast. He trudged slowly, carefully, but very …solemnly. He looked so sad… JJ stopped completely at the sight, inwardly his heart was tearing in two, save Spira and bring peace, save Drake and bring love. However… there was always a chance, he reminded himself with the horrible memory from Killika, that he could still lose Drake to Sin if he doesn't finish this.

'So save him now and lose him after The Calm?,' he thought 'Well… he could be with me then…' His eyes grew dark at his thoughts 'So save him now and beg for his death later?….what kind of monster am I?….' he looked at Drake sadly. Hating himself slightly for what he was doing, yet knowing what he had to do….had to be done. By him if no one else. And no one else was coming, he knew that.

A gust of wind could be heard singing as it wove in and out of the rock veins, JJ barely looked up as he felt a blinding force knock him off his balance as tipped him over the edge of the narrow slope. Quick hands snatched him from the air and dashed with him up the rest of the slope, slipping here and there from the speed of it, but before JJ could think again he found himself sheltered against an alcove in the wall above his previous position. Drake was pressed against him, shielding him from the wind that threatened to blow him off the ground again. JJ could hear the others' cries of concern, he saw them a few feet away, holding tight to their places as well until the wind lightened.

JJ could feel a soft warmth coming from Drake, weaker than normal given their location. JJ took it in, slowly wondering whether he was to say good-bye to this… The world went quiet, he stared up longingly at Drake, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be with him again, feeling that now… he had already lost him… he was already gone…lost to the final summoning… lost to Sin's demise. The muted tones of the wind rang a soft song in his ears and he laid his head on Drake's shoulder, leaning into his cheek, corresponding to Drake's embrace earlier. Standing in Drake's tight embrace, the world seems to disappear, silence fell around him, even Drake was left out of this 'enchanted moment' JJ was growing more and more isolated from the world… he had to end it……soon.

The wind ebbed and flowed and eventually died away, leaving a window of serenity for the group to rush up the final slopes and into the cave at the peak of Mt. Gagazet… the last checkpoint before…

Drake slowly lifted his head, loosening his arms from around JJ's frame, wearing a false smile that JJ knew must have been hard to put on.

"…I know you're thinking babe…" Drake smiled more "But don't let it cost you… If you don't make it home or to Zanarkand… I won't be able to live with myself…" he patted JJ's shoulder and allowed a hand to remain briefly on his cheek as he stepped away. JJ followed, looking up at the top of the mountain he could see the sun shining… a bright new light that promised hope and joy.

JJ wanted to cry.

'Once we get in that cave… he's gonna want a choice……I'm gonna want to hear a choice…'

The winds were strangely delicate after that.

Once inside the cave the group was met with a sudden dank darkness, dim lighting was served by strangely lit corals and crystals throughout the cave, all beaming and gowing with a soft yet brightly happy light. The paths they lit seemed to lead to deep mouths and tunnels. JJ sat down on a nearby rock shelf, heaving a sigh. Ted, Ryo and, Dee set out to inspect the terrain for fiends, leaving Drake to stand watch over JJ.

'This is it…' he thought head down, full of upset thoughts, he didn't even hear as Drake approached him. He lifted JJ's face with a hand, gazing into his eyes as he read him, obviously seeing the torment and pain. He caressed his cheek lightly and smiled, JJ let out his breath as a few tears broke through. They stared a moment and Drake leaned in and softly kissed JJ's forehead. His eyes were reassuring and warm again, clearly saying 'it's okay', the dim lighting making his eyes look even deeper and more sultry, making JJ want to cry all over again.

He didn't want to cry in front of his lover… not when they were so close to…JJ got up and quietly followed his guardians into the cave. Drake's hand slowly fell as he stood in his place, his eyes becoming downcast again. He paused a moment in silence, seeming to try and memorize the feeling of JJ not being there……

Breathing deeply he turned on his heels and followed the rest.

"This place seems to be all tunnels," Ted reported back as JJ approached "there's a lot of water, tunnels under that seem to lead to other places, you want me and Drake to go check it out?" JJ's softened eyes and small mouth were Ted's only answer.

"Huh?…JJ?…Hey, buddy what's-" he tried to placate an answer out of his friend but Dee cut him off, pushing him back a step. 'what's with him??' Ted whispered. Dee didn't respond, it was only when Ted looked around he realized none of the others were either. No one dared to. Looking back at JJ Ted saw Drake, coming forward, just over JJ's shoulder… they wore the same pale and blank expressions. It was easy to see the distraught and hopeless people underneath, Ted realized why they were all silent… Drake and JJ were dealing with separation anxiety, as far as they were concerned… JJ was already dead. He lowered his head, giving an apology no one saw. 'Dee lets…' he whispered, Dee nodded and headed toward the glowing corals that hailed the next pathway, giving Ryo's shoulder a comforting rub as he passed.

JJ rubbed his eyes and took a breath, "This cave…I…I just want to get through this cave…" he mumbled. Drake laced arms around his waist loosely, resting his forehead at the nape of JJ's neck

"Don't put it off."

The cave proved to be full of small trials, puzzle-like intricateness and tedious triggers that unlocked paths and openings. The task itself was mostly done by Dee and Ted, seeing as most of them were on the other side of the water. JJ sat on an old set of stairs carved into the stone itself. Admiring the detail it once had, knowing years of neglect had left it worn and it's stairs shallow and sloped. This was the beginning of… Zanarkand. JJ brought a hand out to feel the smoothed stone. This was once the outskirts of a great city, now in ruins. This used to be…. It was the outskirts of….his final destination.

A soft yet booming lurch was heard from deeper in the cave and a breeze could be heard and felt from that direction. JJ faced it, enjoying a touch of air to his face that wasn't frigid. Light splashing and rippling could be heard as Dee and Ted surfaced from the water, both shaking themselves off in dog-like manners. Dee cast a fire spell that dried them off completely and the two hurried over toward them.

The party started off again in an understanding silence. Taking the newly opened pathway down the long and dark tunnel to the end, the light from the outside barely enough to see by. JJ felt his loneliness grow with each step he took, like his and Drake's pain grew each time his foot hit the ground. His heart grew a little colder, his world grew a little darker, his steps became shorter and more labored… until he just…stopped, completely. He heard distantly the footsteps of the others as they kept walking, stopping when they realized he was no longer with them… but they didn't realize… he really was no longer with them… and he didn't think he could ever return. His eyes burned again for the third time that day, she clenched his eyes and tucked his head down. No one needed to see him cry… summoners weren't allowed to cry. No matter how much they wanted or needed to… no matter how much they deserved to…

"JJ…" Drake whispered softly so the others couldn't hear "…Do you wanna stop?"

JJ shook his head "I need to go on…" he could feel Drake's spirits fall as he said it "I…I want to see it…" he trudged on, silent and almost unaware of the world around him… as far as e was concerned it had already left him, and he it.

The light hit harshly at first when the group stepped outside. The sun was banking and a rose colored sky greeted them to the other side of the mountain. They had made it past the hard part. JJ breathed in the crisp air and continued to the edge of the cliff alone, staring blankly into the sunlight and overlooking the forbidden ruins of Zanarkand.

The world was silent on this side, there was no sign of life anywhere. The wind was gone, there were no fiends, there were no animals… only still air and burning bright sunlight. He could feel the tension build as he pictured himself trekking through the decimated city, where all harbingers of light and hope had come before him. The stillness alone was enough to shake anyone, but the ruins themselves… entire monoliths, huge towers, buildings, homes, everything….was destroyed. Buildings huger than many men thought possible, stood slashed in half, their intricate interiors exposed. Roads were ruined, crumbled in the aftermath of a foolish war a millennia earlier. Crossing those ruins would be sorrow in itself… but to die at the end?

The others followed to the edge, staring at the great precipice before them. It was a devastating thought that they were to lead JJ through that mangled mess to his death. Ryo laid his head on Dee's shoulder at the thought. 'What are we doing?' he asked without speaking. Dee merely thought, imagining he and the others returning through Zanarkand without JJ… Ted thought the same and turned to see Drake still standing behind them, looking as if he had the world on his shoulders. Ted looked back to the sun, Dee decided he didn't like the thoughts in his head.

JJ collapsed, rather than sat down on the ground beneath him, hanging his head he could see the downward spiral of the ravine under the mountain. He wasn't exactly sure when his guardians came to him, he simply began to speak… if he didn't say it now… he never would. And he would end up as just another sacrificial lamb for Spira's monster.

"What…..," he tried to begin, feeling their presence around him he continued "What would you say if……I didn't want to be here…

"Phf, nobody wants to be here JJ" Ted retorted. The others gave him a snide glare.

"Drake…" JJ mumbled, the blonde came to him quickly, expecting the worst, stiffening up his face so as not to cry when he heard it. Kneeling down, his hands found their way around him in a comforting embrace, perhaps… the last one?

"What is it Jemmy?" he wanted to call him by his proper name once more, JJ cringed at the sorrow Drake was feeling.

"Drake…. I wanna go to Bevelle…"

"…" Drake was silent, not really trying to repress an emotion, simply numb at this point.

"I wanna go to Bevelle Drake… I wanna go see Mischa…………Drake….I wanna quit this… I can't go on this anymore! I wanna be with you! I can't just… go off and leave you for…"

"That's enough…" Ryo said as he placed a hand on JJ's shoulder. "If you want to go then let's go." JJ looked up at him expecting to see anger or at least impatience, but all he got was a smile and a nudge from Dee and Ted to get back up. As he did… the ruins looked just a bit more bearable, 'happier' one would almost say. JJ held tight to Drake's arm as he gave them one last look before turning away for good. Leaving all his goals and knowledge as a summoner with the sunlight as he turned back into the darkness of the cave. The liberator of Spira now seemingly liberated.

"You aren't….mad?" JJ asked quietly, taking short hesitant steps. He could see Dee shaking his head gently, Ted smiled as he replied for the group.

"I actually thought you'd crack sooner."

JJ smiled as his guardians lead him back to the cave entrance. He frowned quickly as he remembered the mountain trail….

"No…" He backed away, "I can't…go back…Spira's depending on me… and.. Gagazet… I can't put you guys through that again…"

Drake slid a hand across JJ's face, his voice seeming warmer, liberated even.

"We would have had to go over the mountain again anyway babe… better if your with us…"

"But then this whole trip has been a waste of time!"

"Never…" Drake whispered "Never a waste of time… I've learned things with you I never would have learned all my days in Spira. I've gone places with you… literally and spiritually that I'd never have seen if it wasn't for…"

"For my end of the world trip."

"Well…yeah…"

Ryo stepped over and placed an arm around JJ's shoulders. "Let's just go before you start to feel different. Deep down we all wanted to keep you… and I don't think Mischa would mind seeing you again." JJ smiled in return, the group heading back into the mouth of the cave, the cold wind blowing from the other side was not so threatening now…


	3. Chapter 3

The climb down Gagazet was hard but relieved. Somehow the group was triggered to think they had saved some precious cargo that Yevon had them believing was disposable. It was a great weight off their shoulders to not have to watch JJ die. But as the winds of Gagazet smoothed and warmed into the gentle breezes of the Calm Lands, the group was faced with the new problem. How would they face Spira?

As far as the rules went, they were a failed pilgrimage, and JJ was a coward and perhaps even selfish and weak for giving up. A loose feeling of resentment bound itself around them all before they were down the slopes and into the grassy plains and by the time they could be seen returning by Rin's shop, the consensus was "fuck Spira, let the world save itself for once". The boys seemed rather pleased with the notion and began to laugh with the Al Bhed when they stopped at Rin's. The Al Bhed were feverous supporters of course, but for some reason… the laughing and even the logic could not wipe away the fear and the guilt JJ felt.

He sat isolated, on a spiral piece of warped earth. He ran his hands over the rock-like substance beside his hips, imagining the intense heat that must have caused the scars on these plains. War scars were littered over the Calm Lands, the only remaining memorabilia of the battles against Sin. This open and empty field (save for the last shop in civilization) made perfect for use of fighting Sin… the pre-ordained battle site of every summoner before him. Each one of them died here, each on of them saved the world… here.

Rubbing the petrified earth beneath him again JJ decided he didn't deserve to be here. Looking around… the sky was bright, vibrant even, the grasses were lively and fun, the wild chocobos and the few birds were… enlightening. As beautiful as they can be as seen through the eyes of one who just saw death. The sky was calm and the grass was playful in the mellow wind. The world seemed…cheerful. As if his departure from the world had already taken place and his calm was already settling over Spira. How much longer before they expected to hear news of his death and his heroic victory over Sin? He sighed and lowered his gaze, a lonely and sad feeling filling him. A loss that he wasn't also able to play a part in that eternal glory of beating Sin. What would the scars on the field from his battle have looked like, he wondered?

A familiar hand came around him, rubbing soothing circles on his back. JJ didn't look up as he felt the warm gaze from Drake as he sat down next to him. He had strayed from the group of guardian and Al Bhed brothers, celebrating JJ's 'survival'. For a time the two remained silent, JJ contemplating his continued existence, Drake respecting JJ's need to think.

"….You're not guilty," Drake murmured after a few minutes "you don't own them anything."

"But….I…I was supposed to….."

"Go to Zanarkand and defeat Sin, I know, I know. But you didn't."

JJ lowered his eyes, "I'm such a chicken…"

Drake leaned forward, grasping JJ's shoulders, piercing eyes calling JJ to them.

"Listen to me." Drake squeezed JJ's shoulders, his voice full of sincerity and maybe a hint of pain. "You are not a coward… You're the bravest man I know… What other man can be standing in the face of death and still hold a smile? And his head up proud? Who can tell a child straight in the eye that he'd keep her safe, smiling, even when he knew the implications of it?"

"That's just it Drakey… I lied… I never defeated Sin…I let Kali down…"

"You even remembered her name?…"

JJ nodded "Whatever."

Drake knelt down on the ground in front of JJ, leaning an elbow on one raised knee. "JJ, when you make a serious choice like that you're supposed to 'follow you're heart' and all that…. If you do no one can call you out on any of it…"

"I did follow my heart Drakey…" JJ sounded meek, Drake smiled, gently tugging JJ down on the ground with him. Running an affectionate hand across his cheek and through his hair. His eyes looked like he was falling in love all over again.

"You were very dedicated to protecting the world, you were the bravest I have seen baby, most guys I know would have run off screaming for their mommas. But not you…." he played with a stray lock of JJ's hair, smiling "…reminds me why I fell in love in the first place…"

JJ sat wide eyed for a moment before Drake pulled him close, nuzzling his face. He hadn't….said anything so…sweet… in a long time. He began to respond to Drake's touch, placing hands on the back of his head.

"I don't know what I was thinking Drake… I'm so s-"

"Don't… you have nothing to apologize for." Drake became very tense. "If….if you had…"

"Drake you don't have to-"

"No, I have to get this out…" Drake's eyes lost a lot of color and his gaze became distant, looking at something over JJ's shoulder. "If you had… chosen to keep going to Zanarkand, I would have accepted it."

"What? Drake."

"I promised you, I said that whatever you decided I would accept it…I may not have liked it… but I would have found a way to move on…. The only thing I didn't want to see was you dying for nothing at all…."

"And as I recall, that was what you labeled dying for Spira as…" Drake paused, obviously fumbling mentally on his words. JJ laughed as he tightened his grip on Drake, pulling him against him. "I understand Drakey…thanks for pulling me back…"

"I didn't really do anything…"

"I know… that's what did it……"

The two were silent as they pulled apart, staring into each others eyes. A thousand things were sent back and forth through that gaze… the kind of look that tells a man's whole life history, the kind of look that can shatter someone's world or build it up, the kind of look that can tell everything and nothing…

"…I love you." Drake's lips were on JJ's, a searing warmth telling JJ that this was the right choice….He closed his eyes and leaned into Drake. Could he have been able to accept missing his lips? …..Never. Drake was well worth the grief he'd get from the rest of the world. Well worth the odd glares he'd get when he turned up alive in Bevelle. Bevelle…. JJ thought suddenly of all the faces that would be seeing him there… all the faces he'd have to answer to…. All the eyes filled with remorse because he didn't finish his job… He could almost hear Drake's comment "Fuck 'em" but, somehow that wasn't exactly a settling thought….

But just as suddenly… his mind was filled with the image… bright eyes and long hair. A smile that could wrack any pain or fear he felt. Mischa…. Her face made him calm and excited as he remembered where he had requested they go first. Suddenly the fear he held of seeing the public's reaction melted away and he was left with just himself… himself and his emotions…his wants, needs, wishes…. Drake's needs…wants…. How long did he charge blindly forward not thinking of the repercussions? How far was going to have to go before he realized how much he was ripping the world he and Drake formed apart?

"Zanarkand" JJ thought dimly as he grimaced mournfully at the mountain peak in the distance. The great weight having lifted from his shoulders, JJ could now smile, he could now laugh… he could grin and tell Drake stupid jokes again. He wasn't on a death mission anymore….

"I'm free…." he leaned his head on Drake's shoulder "I'm free Drake…."

"Yeah…" JJ could feel Drake smile and held him tighter as Drake placed small kisses along his temple. "You're mine again babe….all mine again…"

"Hey you two…." Dee's voice startled the two out of their reverie.

"What Laytner?" Drake answered irritated, "You gonna tell us to get a room?"

"Well, yeah, there's one in there" Dee pointed a thumb over his shoulder at the complex behind him, where Ryo and Ted could be seen clearing things up with an Al Bhed character. "Go, have at it." Dee huffed and turned to catch up to Ryo, most likely to 'get a room' themselves, JJ sat still as Dee moved away, yelping softly when Drake nudged him.

"Well? Shall we?' his eyes were already growing dark. JJ smiled, feeling his eyes narrowing.

"You wanna? So soon? It's hardly even 4:00..." Drake chuckled

"I dunno if I can keep it under wraps much longer…"

JJ nodded with a dark smile as he led Drake into the inn. Remembering the place he laid just days before, fearing his approaching demise. Now he lay… in love, in warmth… in the arms of a strong and kind man who pulled him back… JJ wanted to cry…in joy this time….

The next day, a group of sated and somewhat rested man left the inn, smiling the whole way. The Al Bhed had been so overjoyed by JJ's returning from Zanarkand that they gave the group room and board for the night complementary. JJ had to be drug out by a somewhat groggy Drake, lest he spend the day giving his gratitude. They returned the thanks, wishing him well against the scorn of the rest of Spira. That's when it set in… as the group crossed the enormous plains of green on their way back to Bevelle. He really was going to face them wasn't he?…

JJ slowed his steps, coming to a halt, much like he did in the cave on Gagazet. Drake seemed to pick up and stopped almost verbatim with him. Immediately running a hand out across his back. JJ looked up at Drake, studying his features…his eyes… the way his lips moved when he talked…. Taking a breath he stepped forward, not looking back….

Let them come.

"I still can't believe you four left me to keep watch outside, especially since you all got to boogie the night away." Ted complained loudly as the group entered Macalania Forest. JJ and Ryo blushed lightly at the remark, Dee huffed at him.

"Well, maybe if you had anything in the way of attraction, you might have had someone to dance with yourself. Until then you still get to sit at the kiddy table at dinner okay?"

"Wha?? Dee you ass! Why ya gotta always be such a-"

"Why must you always use such horrible grammar?" JJ muttered under his breath as the two ignored him and continued arguing.

"Hey, at least their in good enough spirits to fight now…" Drake said lightly as they turned around a large tree trunk, knowing the path to Bevelle was close. The icy winds could be felt blowing from Macalania temple, JJ's old memories blew along with it, some renewing themselves, some seeming to blow away in the wind. He could almost feel the coldness of the chamber of the Fayth at Macalania. The sheltering yet foreboding voice of the Fayth, the icy chambers of the Cloister of trials…All his senses of the place came flooding back…yet his thoughts… his guilt, his feelings of responsibility, his feeling of being trapped were gone, drifting off in the wind… He was…free…

"Excuse me…" A gruff voice halted the pack, looking up JJ saw bronze and gold colored armor, a warrior monk. He must be guarding the entrance to Bevelle, was there… such a need? "I can't let you in here, the path to Bevelle is clos-"

"Closed??," Drake protested, "even to a summoner?"

The guard perked up at the words, "Summoner?…ah!" his face jerked in recognition, he bowed his head fervently and brushed to the side, "Sir….Summoner JJ…I… please go ahead…" he tried to discreetly brush away the sweat of stress as they passed, he obviously didn't meet more than the occasional wandering merchant or migrant. "But may I request…," he mumbled turning to face them as they headed past him. "why are you returning summoner? Shouldn't you be on your pilgrimage?"

Drake shot him an evil glare and the guard silenced "My…y apologies summoner…I should not have asked… do go on…" JJ paused, then quietly replied, jus loud enough for the guard to hear.

"I need… to speak with Maester Mica…." he lied as he steadily continued down the darkened road to the biggest city in Spira. Sunlight filtering through the forest leaves turned crystal blues and whites, lacing in between the leaves and branches and falling like moonlight over JJ's form. Drake stood back with the others watching his determined yet mellow stride, all four of them in unison remembering briefly when it was that they watched JJ trek down their end of the road…

Drake quickly nodded to the others and they followed after their once-was summoner. Hearing the bells of Bevelle temple chime and bellow, knowing the towers could be seen very soon. JJ looked through the patchwork skylight, wondering how soon it would be… until he could see Mischa's face…hear her laugh…it was all he wanted right now…. Her spirit could cure any emotional ailment, and JJ was coming to her with buckets of them.

The soft sounds of the forest combined with the calmness of Bevelle's outskirts provided the tiniest ambiance, a peaceful and serene sense of both calm and privacy. Their own sacred moment together before re-entering Bevelle. The bushes varied and withdrew, leaving carefully mapped out dirt paths. Dirt turned to gravel and gravel turned to stone, plants were tamed down, trees were cut, the land became more light and conservative rather than the rugged and overgrown look of the forest behind them. The delicate stone path lead between planes of flowers and grasses, creating a pleasant walk to the city limits. JJ drank in the memories of this place; dates with Drake… dates with Mischa… planning out his pilgrimage… coming out to his friends….He never thought he'd see this place again…

The group entered the city almost completely unnoticed. The poor townsfolk that bordered the outskirts of Bevelle were too busy swiping up the last crusts of bread or nearly rotten potatoes left on the market carts. A few people darted an eye at them, eyeing their , now ratted clothing, they moved on not wanting to acknowledge them. Their clothing, though worn out and ruined, still showed an obvious level of wealth. The group was at least from the High Rise, if not from High Bridge level of Bevelle.

JJ darted quickly between customers and migrant mothers as he took the well known pathway to the upper levels, to where he and his guardians lived. His men following closely behind him, all could feel the envious and steely eyes on their backs as they left the common area. Traveling through the by-ways JJ started to recognize expressions of people…startled shock on some…quiet whispers from others… all discreetly aimed away from the group. Wives and elderly ladies gossiping quickly as they darted their eyes about the group of men. JJ felt judged, he felt like a failure,… but most of all… he felt like a failure… like he wasn't supposed to be alive anymore… the only thing these people wanted of him now was his body. That would be the symbol that their Calm had come…

He felt guilty and hid his face as he trudged farther down the familiar streets to his house. The darkness was rolling in as the sun set, the sky flaring in one last blast of beautiful orange light. The same color as the sun in….Zanarkand….where… he was supposed to be. The gazes he was getting… like a disappointed parent, each passerby simply looked at him. A few had the bravery to say "oh…. Summoner James…" a few only got to "Why are…" before they couldn't be bothered to face the truth in the eye. He had deserted them when they had counted on him the most. To be a good little summoner and die for the world like all the summoners before him did.

He felt sick inside… from the guilt but mostly from the anger. How could they be so supportive when he left and not anything on return? It was obvious that they expected him dead and his life only meant that he had betrayed them, therefore… he was not worth their time. He could only hold on to Drake's hand for dear life as they passed a crowd of strangers, all giving him sympathetic eyes, and then… the look. The look of a starving child, or of a dying mother. The look of the pitiful begging for mercy. How could JJ have… abandoned that? Squeezing Drake's hand he kept his mental eye on what he knew was the truth. He wasn't abandoning anyone, and that was why he was here.

The group arrived in front of an intricate and stately building on an empty street. The house was on one of the higher ends of the High Rise, overlooking the sea. The sunset washed over it, making the colors in the window rush out, dancing among the other colored light. JJ stood firmly, staring at the spectacle, Drake tugged his hand.

"They'll understand eventually…" the blunette shook his head

"It's not for them to understand… but it still…"

"I know…"

Dee stepped forward, parting the two men.

"Well, if you two are going in then…"

As if in response, the door to the house opened with a light creak, all five men looked up with a start. A head popped out, inquisitive face and bright features. JJ almost cried at the sight. Mischa came running outside as she saw who was at the door.

"Daddy!"


End file.
